I am a pretty self centered creature. and stupid at times. especially when it comes to my mental and physical well being.
I found out TODAY that Robin Williams is dead.
So many things in my life are colliding and empty..
I do work under the table for people at my startup over the weekend for extra cash. I’m also trying to work for myself to make up for lost sales time due to being out of town and a slacker and sick. and i forgot to refill my psych meds.
I became the record holder for most sales in one day today at my job. this is an astronomical feat due to luck and sweeping the leads by getting there first and not being a dick to independent business owners.
And I walk home tonight like Ellie Goulding is playing live beside me. Like Ian Curtis didn’t die, and I got to see him play. Like I’ve fallen in love and feel the press of his lips still on my mouth.
I hadn’t felt this good in years.
Not since I fell in love with my ex-husband, but even deeper, maybe not since high school when I found out I won a Shakespeare competition that I had worked hard for.
I also had a shitty job interview but overcame that and got the final 3 sales to land that shit when I got back to work. which is extraordinary because usually I fold at the first defeat.
Everything is together and apart.
Because when I got home. I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to sink into Netflix. I wanted to share that with someone who knew what it meant to me. Really knew. and I kinda realized for the first time. How profoundly alone I am.
I have a rented room in a craigslist apt. I never go out (I say its money usually its fear or laziness), and I can’t date for the life of me.
This all landed like a great silent heaviness.
I am alone.
If you can’t go home, and celebrate your happiness with people you love, then what does it matter?
I could say or justify or fight. I could point out that I am broke. that i don’t buy food or clothes or my fucking pills. and that excuses this unhappiness. but really, i’m really good at sabotaging myself. over and over.
And then I went on fbook and found out, days later, that Robin Williams is dead.
The tears just now won’t fucking stop.
It hurts almost as though my best friend died. Someone who shares my madness and illness and sense of humor and who raised me through their own generosity and spirit and heart and talent and fucking good laughs.
No. Please just someone tell me this is not true. that HE is not gone. not forever.
I always thought I’d see him live one day.
and NOT FUCKING SUICIDE.
NOT STUPID FUCKING MENTAL SHIT!
not the cancer that resides in my brain too.
I’ve wanted to cut and burn and just do stupid shit.
I have to remind myself my grief for him is separate.
All of this is unconnected and just life throwing fire crackers under my feet.
Unfortunately its the fucking fourth of july apparently. and everyone has lit one.
A. Don’t want to be alone when I have such happiness
B. Don’t want to be mentally ill and have to treat it on a regular basis
C. Want Robin back. Or that he really finally feels free.
if i am honest. I am glad he is free from pain. I wish I was. I just have to get back on my pills and stop being such a pussy about life. I hate being so weak.
I found this in his early hbo specials and it kinda sums up what I love so much about him and comedy and the deep wisdom and sadness it comes from (its a far from perfect transription):
Old man character comes out feeding pidgeons methadone and speaks to us:
"Ya got to be crazy.
Ya know what I’m talking about?
Full goose bozo.
Cause what is reality?
Madness is the only way I’ve stayed alive.
Used to be a comedian a long time ago
I’m being grotesque
Cause I gotta be,
Ya see what I’m saying?
Its too late to be sane.
Ya got to go full tilt bozo…
Cause you’re only given a little spark of madness,
And if you lose that…
From me to you,
Don’t ever lose that.
Cause it keeps you alive,
Cause if you lose that,
That’s my only love,
Cause there’s no government in the world,
Can handle madness.
Cause ya got to fly above it all,
Remember, angels have wings because they take themselves lightly.
From me to you,
Ya got to.
Like Lord Buckley said,
" people, they kinda like flowers. Its been a privilege kinda pollenatin’ here in your garden."
I’ll be here