friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow.  
friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow.  
friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow.  
friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow.  
friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow. 

friendly reminder that famous viner curtis lepore is a rapist.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a man you kick curtis lepore in the balls for raping your sister/niece/anywomanyouknow. 

(via oohfiretwerks)

A Manifesto

I have been on some crazy dates

He’s like:

image

I’m like:

image

So (did you like I flipped gif genders there for ya)

I have had enough.

Okay I will always love the crazy shit I get on tindr, ok, coffee, fbook.

BUT NE’ERTHELESS!

Here’s My Manifesto (listen up bros)

  1. I don’t respect a man that can’t drink. If a girl can out whiskey you then why don’t you just take them bitch wings to the middle school play OR ply me full with the expensive shit.
  2. If you can’t close, be a man and cuddle that shit out. Cause we all know round two is in the AM and there’s no whiskey dick in that
  3. When you set a date and time, you better be the early bird to that dinner.
  4. If a girl takes you home, figure out how to get the damn bra off.
  5. A blind date means we’ve put aside our rapist/serial killer fears to meet a stranger in a public place, BUY THE DRINKS YOU LUCKY BASTARD.
  6. Say you are the guy who gets past the bar, to the front door, to the bed, if clothes are coming off DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU GET THEM ALL OFF.
  7. Sometimes a gal gets sloppy. Don’t Judge Gentlemen. You think this may be the time to judge her life choices…PSYCH. Get her home safe, untouched, end it sweetly, BOOM. You’re looking at some serious pants cash.
  8. Always Come Prepared. Be a motherfuckin boyscout. HAVE. A. CONDOM. Well at least three. cause if it gets good, are you gonna take yo hard dick down to the riteaid? Don’t be that guy.
  9. You may want to fuck and dive. I get that. Doesn’t mean we all can’t be gentlemen about it. Kissing goodbye may be the biggest difference between a girl telling her friend she slept with a narcissistic douchebag who clearly sucked frat cock, and not telling her friends at all, cause we all (well some of us) really enjoy casual sex.
  10. Be upfront. period. sometimes i go on dates and i don’t know if i’m meeting a friend or a potential something romanticesque. (was that a word?) Sometimes we girls just want to talk to someone real. Yeah we all hope its a romantic lightening bolt, more than that though, an honest take with clear intentions is refreshing. 

Try it out. These are my basic truths. What are yours?

P.S. I find it sad I have to say these things outloud like a message to men. Did your dads cut the crusts off of your sandwiches? C’mon dudes. lets be men. aaaand I’ll be woman over here.

A Declaration of Failure and Independence

I have an embarrassing number of dating apps on my phone.

Tindr. OkCupid. Coffee Meets Bagel.

And I have failed them all.

Any nice guy I burn. Any douche I throw my self at.

I’m done.

I. Am. Not. Ready.

I think I had to to go through tonight to know that.

I met this very persistant dude on ok.

He used the words “dang” and “sexy” alot. and I was a fool.

I showed up at the bar, he shows up 40 minutes late.

Strike 1 and 2.

We kinda get along?

No. Dude can’t even handle a single shot of whiskey.

In my book, lame. What would you like a blended pina colada with a tiny umbrella your princess?

But I decide not to judge.

There are peeps out there who are just maybe more normal?

Anyway I get my drink on and want to get out of this shitty bar he suggested.

So we walk. He has cognac in his car. I suggest duboce park (cause I love it) we go there.

I talk…alot…nothing from him. I try and engage him to express an opinion…NOTHING. grrrr so frustrating but whatever its free cognac.

We walk back and massage comes up. y’all might not know this, but i’m wicked good, i mean REALLY good at massage. so I fall for the trap like a drunk Canary in a mine.

and then its all “suck my d” “you want that thick cock”

WHAT THE F*CK

and then (at least the fucker drove me home) REFUSED (after making out) to kiss me goodnight to “make me want it more”

….

………….

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

Whatever your mom did to inflate you ego, props

SERIOUS props

Cause yo pussy ass bitch ain’t comin anywhere NEAR me again.

Cause you can’t seal the deal son.

Not kiss me to make me want you? This seems a bit highschool no?

The *uck?!

I just got laid off.

It was a long time coming. Its like getting broke up with that asshole that you wanted to dump all along. they beat you to the punch.

and this has been the worst job of my life. like gain ten pounds and fuck a stranger bad.

god bless mediocrity.

So now I’m back in the bloodhunt for employment.

thanks life.

can I get a year without drama?!

Goddang Can’t We Just Leave Each Other Alone?

Okay kiddlepops.

have you  ever been attracted to someone that you just wished never opened their mouth?

So I lost my phone and went to obvi, buy a new one.

The dude selling me his fave phone was not only a master of customer service he was nerdy cute.

um hello

and I took him into me. 

not and exactly that way.

he and I can really kiss and fuck.

wow

BUT

everytime we talk we end up in a fight. 

he talks to me like i’m am some idiot and I try and throw psychology at him.

we’re hopeless

i think we should just fuck each other and part ways. I don’t need some prick telling me my opinion is worthless. but i have no problem getting a good fuck in.

Experiences? Wisdom anyone?

clickity clack this mothafuckas! Why you gotta be so mean?

So I’m burning out. At all ends of myself.

I call at least 100 of y’all a day.

don’t get me wrong, some of y’all make my whole existence beam and believe in the goodness of humanity and small business.

BUT dude if you can’t say it in PERSON, its JUST AS HURTFUL over the phone.

SO SHUT UP WHEN I”M TRYING TO BRING YOU BUSINESS.

I get it. I was a receptionist at a small salon. Yelp is nasty when it comes to their sales tactics. but WE’RE NOT YELP. 

we. literally. want. to. bring. you. clients. 

and we don’t hide your good reviews.

boom

Check Check, is this on?

My mind is a mess of dueling priorities.

I really do hate my job. 

And l maaaay have slept in a bit too much and now my job is on the line.

Oh really. Oh. You’re serious.

But on the other hand, my sister is pregnant.

Luckily I love to build shit. If life was legos, I’d be the Lady Gaga of all time.

You mean you have instuctions and a screwdriver?!

So this whole weekend I have been assembling and buying shit cause she’s in early contractions and her husband had emergency eye surgery.

I HAVE NO TIME FOR MY OWN LIFE BULLSHIT.

Eh. I should have been a cartoon. I understand ridiculousity better than sense.

Seek Treatment, How?

Aight final word on this as I have to put myself to bed and stop binge crying.

and I don’t know if this is a wrong or right response

I love the response to focus on Robin Williams life and not his death.

BUT

what I’m seeing over and over again is the phrase or sentence “Its an illness like any other (true), please seek help or treatment (um, ok?).”

Where is the response,

Robin Williams was another of us who has died. Aren’t we tired of losing people? Isn’t there a problem with the mental health system?! Is there something to be improved? Aren’t we really just responding in the same way all parents and guidance counselors do when that one kid hung himself in highschool?

In my experience, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been touched by suicide or mental illness.

Where is the anger?

Don’t tell people to just “get” help. As though that hasn’t always been known to them. or told to them. make it better. make it more affordable. what about the rest of us? I think the problem is larger. and I feel a little disappointed that no one is saying, what more can we do?

If they can’t help themselves, if we don’t really know the brain or how antidepressants work, if most of us can’t afford the care we need, its more than putting down the cheerios and tissues or razor or pills or whatever.

Don’t tell me to just seek help. Maybe advocate for better help. Because the solutions out there, they’re clearly losing the battle.

I don’t have any answers but I think we can do more. if ALS has an ice challenge out, if your passionate about civil rights and reposting videos, if you’re crying because we all lost a father figure, a friend, a great soul, a hilarious motherfucker, a brave man, what are we Doing to make sure we don’t lose him again?

Full Tilt Bozo

I am a pretty self centered creature. and stupid at times. especially when it comes to my mental and physical well being.

I found out TODAY that Robin Williams is dead.

So many things in my life are colliding and empty..

I do work under the table for people at my startup over the weekend for extra cash. I’m also trying to work for myself to make up for lost sales time due to being out of town and a slacker and sick. and i forgot to refill my psych meds.

I became the record holder for most sales in one day today at my job. this is an astronomical feat due to luck and sweeping the leads by getting there first and not being a dick to independent business owners.

And I walk home tonight like Ellie Goulding is playing live beside me. Like Ian Curtis didn’t die, and I got to see him play. Like I’ve fallen in love and feel the press of his lips still on my mouth.

I hadn’t felt this good in years.

Not since I fell in love with my ex-husband, but even deeper, maybe not since high school when I found out I won a Shakespeare competition that I had worked hard for.

I also had a shitty job interview but overcame that and got the final 3 sales to land that shit when I got back to work. which is extraordinary because usually I fold at the first defeat.

Everything is together and apart.

Because when I got home. I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to sink into Netflix. I wanted to share that with someone who knew what it meant to me. Really knew. and I kinda realized for the first time. How profoundly alone I am.

I have a rented room in a craigslist apt. I never go out (I say its money usually its fear or laziness), and I can’t date for the life of me.

This all landed like a great silent heaviness.

I am alone.

truly alone.

If you can’t go home, and celebrate your happiness with people you love, then what does it matter?

I could say or justify or fight. I could point out that I am broke. that i don’t buy food or clothes or my fucking pills. and that excuses this unhappiness. but really, i’m really good at sabotaging myself. over and over.

And then I went on fbook and found out, days later, that Robin Williams is dead.

The tears just now won’t fucking stop.

Suicide?

It hurts almost as though my best friend died. Someone who shares my madness and illness and sense of humor and who raised me through their own generosity and spirit and heart and talent and fucking good laughs.

No. Please just someone tell me this is not true. that  HE is not gone. not forever.

I always thought I’d see him live one day.

and NOT FUCKING SUICIDE.

NOT STUPID FUCKING MENTAL SHIT!

not the cancer that resides in my brain too.

I’ve wanted to cut and burn and just do stupid shit. 

I have to remind myself my grief for him is separate.

All of this is unconnected and just life throwing fire crackers under my feet.

Unfortunately its the fucking fourth of july apparently. and everyone has lit one.

I just

A. Don’t want to be alone when I have such happiness

B. Don’t want to be mentally ill and have to treat it on a regular basis

C. Want Robin back. Or that he really finally feels free.

if i am honest. I am glad he is free from pain. I wish I was. I just have to get back on my pills and stop being such a pussy about life. I hate being so weak. 

I found this in his early hbo specials and it kinda sums up what I love so much about him and comedy and the deep wisdom and sadness it comes from (its a far from perfect transription):

Old man character comes out feeding pidgeons methadone and speaks to us:
"Ya got to be crazy.
Ya know what I’m talking about?
Full goose bozo.
Cause what is reality?

Madness is the only way I’ve stayed alive.
Used to be a comedian a long time ago

I’m being grotesque
Cause I gotta be,
Ya see what I’m saying?
Its too late to be sane.
Too late.
Ya got to go full tilt bozo…
Cause you’re only given a little spark of madness,
And if you lose that…
You’re Nothin.
Don’t.
From me to you,
Don’t ever lose that.
Cause it keeps you alive,
Cause if you lose that,
Pffff.

That’s my only love,
Crazy.

Cause there’s no government in the world,
Can handle madness.
Cause ya got to fly above it all,
Remember, angels have wings because they take themselves lightly.

From me to you,
Keep bozo.
Ya got to.
Like Lord Buckley said,
" people, they kinda like flowers. Its been a privilege kinda pollenatin’ here in your garden."
Come back.
I’ll be here

Listless Sunday

Somedays I wake up and just look at the fog and wonder, why the F*CK am I alive?

Not in a bad way.

Just an honest curiousity.

haha I mean, what am I DOING?!

I’ve stopped hunting the man folk.

I have started le work outs.

I am looking for a living wage job.

Sometimes I feel like my life is going down the mediocre path by little increments. almost unknowingly. like these small choices.

a duvet cover.

a jacket to interview in.

every cold call.

i’m losing a bit of myself.

Is this how we become adults?

Just inch by inch, choice by choice, we relegate ourselves to age.

i hope my rocking chair is fucking swag.